We tend to think of our emotions as things within us, anger, anxiety, sadness are labelled as negative emotions that we are better off without. We even speak of releasing anger, thinking positively to push away sadness and other mechanism to change the way we feel.
In Gestalt theory, the validity of our emotions is achieved in what is referred to as co-creation. Co-creation is the idea that no activity has intrinsic value, but is a function of an interaction between people and their environment; the validity comes from an agreement and understanding between people that a certain activity carries a certain meaning for everyone involved. In this sense, two or more people co-create a situation. For example, if I feel isolated, my first assumption should be that I feel it in relation to other people under certain conditions. I and the people I feel isolated in relation to all contribute to maintaining the situation.
Of course, my responsibility is to negotiate my needs with myself and my environment, that is, understand what it is that I need to feel lovable and acceptable. At times, I will need to change my environment if it cannot provide what I need. If we want to feel acceptable, we need to find environments which are conducive to feeling so.
I disagree with claims that other people can’t and shouldn’t make us feel things: “only you are in charge of your feelings” – this claim renders relationships irrelevant. We are social beings and depend on one another for love, nurturance and acceptance to name a few. While, I do agree that we can develop the resilience to face and withstand criticism and judgement, other people can hurt us and make us feel sad or happy, lonely or feeling together, lovable and acceptable, especially those who are closest to us.
Perhaps if we locate our emotions between people rather than within we can be less attached to them, agree to remove negative and positive labels and accept their state of flux. It might also change their meaning, sadness and anger would not be unwanted emotions but inform us of our needs as they flow.
