A relationship is a creative pursuit. It is creative because to thrive, it requires us to see beyond who and how we are now and imagine what we can become together – it asks to constantly adjust to how we and our partners evolve, change and grow over time.
A relationship is also the pursuit of stability, consistency, commitment and reliability on which trust is built.
As such a relationship needs to be elastic enough to accommodate new discoveries about those we choose to share our life with and comprehensive enough to explain why I love you and not another.
In other words, it is about certainty and uncertainty at the same time – it is about how much we want our partners to stay the same and how much we support them as they change.
And the tension between these two states is often a source of tension.
In a way, most committed relationships generate some tension and this is not necessarily a bad thing, it means that the relationship is alive.
Some people handle tension well, many of us have never learnt how to, and we get anxious, angry or afraid and we resort to all sorts of ways to relieve the tension. We bicker, argue, protest, complain and fight – I think of these behaviours as pressure valves.
In a way, most pressure valves are a creative attempt at releasing immediate pressure. Yet, some are more useful than others. Useful ones enable our partners and us to articulate clearly what we want and hope for and they help us to solve problems and bring about change. Less useful pressure valves lead to shutdowns, distance and alienation – they do not bring about the change we so crave, and they often put out the very flame that keeps the relationship alive.
Useful pressure valves are those which help us to move from trying to prove a point to trying to learn something new about our relationship.
Some common pressure valves – which is one is your favourite?
Arguments
Good conversations
Touch and physical connection and sex
Withdrawal – physical or emotional without a clear commitment to reengage
Withdrawal with a clear commitment to reengage
Resentment
Aggression and violence – verbal and physical
Avoidance
Appropriate humour – being able to see the comic side of our own behaviour
Inappropriate humour – mocking others
Stereotyping, characterising and labelling
Acquiescing
Dismissal
Denigration
Final comment: pressure valve is a metaphor and as all metaphors, whilst being useful, it simplifies a complex reality. Our emotions are not a hydraulic system, as if there is a build-up of pressure that needs to be released. Uncertainty can be very taxing emotionally as we cannot predict what will happen next and much of our wellbeing rests of our ability to predict. What we can do is try to get better at giving credit, admitting mistakes and exploring how we argue. We tend to take credit for the good stuff and blame our partners for the bad stuff so that it will not be our fault. The result is that we do not really learn much from experience.
