We often think of big gestures such as respect, care, attention, positive regard, friendship and when relevant, erotic connection as the most important ingredients of a good relationship and yes they are. Yet, I believe that it is everyday rituals that make these gestures meaningful.
What are rituals? Rituals can be defined as expected, repetitive, routined and reliable behaviors or activities – sometimes culturally transmitted – that go beyond habit or tradition. They provide a sense of stability and predictability through structured actions and they also provide a sense of agency.
Some rituals are personal, like the way we get ready for the day or the way we end the day. Some are spritual, like daily meditation or prayer at a certain time of the day, keeping a journal, how we prepare our favourite meal or tea or coffee. I think of all these activities as personal rituals, although they can be shared as well.
Rituals that are shared with others are meaningful actions that build connection, reinforce bonds and shared values, love and a sense of belonging. Shared rituals can range from daily to weekly ones, like family dinners, date nights, bedtime hugs and regular messages at regular times. Relationships require familiarity as much as they require excitement and novelty and rituals offer the familiarity that is important to us.
Shared rituals also make living together safer and manageable in times of stress thanks to their collaborative nature and commitment to the relationship – the message is ‘we are in it together’. They are also what the Gottmans refer to as bids for connection – a way to acknowledge the people who are important to us by showing them that we think positively about them. That we hold them in mind.
How to cultivate your own shared rituals
Cultivating shared rituals only takes a bit of observation, experimentation, and reflection.
Begin by noticing the moments in your day when you do feels routine, automatic and devoid of meaning. Moments that are stressful and difficult. These moments can be an opportunity to pour meaning into them.
These moments can be how you wake in the morning or go to sleep at night. How you leave home on the way to work or come back home after a day at work; how you eat dinner or clear after dinner and anything that seems like a chore or a boring task.
Try a simple shared ritual. The key is to choose something small enough to stick and yet meaningful enough to feel intentional.
Some rituals revolve around playing a specific song, intentional hugs and kisses. Think of specific words at specific times during the day. A reset ritual after a conflict. A monthly ‘state of the union’ conversation at a specific location. A weekly appreciation moment. A ritual word or gesture when apart that means ‘I am thinking about you’. Goodbye hug and hello hug, a kiss when least expected.
Experiment with whatever feels right to you and then check: does this ritual actually help? Does it feel natural or forced? Be curious about your answers – there is no right or wrong, just stay curious and adjust if needed.
The most effective rituals are simple enough to remember, specific enough to feel meaningful, and flexible enough to adapt to different circumstances. Start small with one daily ritual, then gradually expand your toolkit.
