A relationship is a creative pursuit – creative because it demands that we look beyond who we are right now and dare to imagine what we might become together. It asks us to constantly recalibrate as we – and our partners – evolve, shift and grow.
But here’s the paradox: a relationship is also about stability, consistency, commitment and reliability. Trust doesn’t build itself on wish alone.
So a relationship needs to be elastic enough to accommodate new discoveries about the person we’ve chosen to share our life with, yet comprehensive enough to answer the question: why you and not someone else?
In other words, it’s about certainty and uncertainty at the same time. It’s the dance between wanting our partners to stay exactly as they are and cheering them on as they transform.
And that tension? That’s often where the friction lives.
The thing is that most committed relationships generate tension, and that’s not necessarily bad. It means the relationship is alive.
Some people handle tension brilliantly. Many of us never learnt how. So we get anxious, angry or afraid, and we reach for whatever will relieve the pressure. We bicker, argue, protest, complain, fight. Think of these as pressure valves.
Most pressure valves are creative attempts at releasing immediate pressure. But some work better than others. The useful ones help us articulate what we actually want and hope for – they solve problems and spark change. The less useful ones? They lead to shutdowns, distance, alienation. They don’t bring the change we crave. Often, they snuff out the very flame keeping the relationship alive.
The useful pressure valves are the ones that help us stop trying to prove a point and start trying to learn something new.
So, which pressure valve is your favourite?
- Arguments
- Good conversations
- Touch, physical connection and sex
- Withdrawal – physical or emotional, with no plan to reengage
- Withdrawal with a clear commitment to reconnect
- Resentment
- Aggression and violence – verbal and physical
- Avoidance
- Appropriate humour – laughing at your own absurdity
- Inappropriate humour – mocking your partner
- Stereotyping, characterising and labelling
- Acquiescing
- Dismissal
- Denigration
A final thought: the pressure valve metaphor is useful, but like all metaphors, it simplifies things. Our emotions aren’t a hydraulic system with pressure building up that needs releasing. But uncertainty is taxing. We can’t predict what happens next, and so much of our wellbeing depends on predictability.
What we can do is get better at giving credit, admitting mistakes and examining how we argue. We tend to take credit for the good stuff and blame our partners for the bad, so it won’t be our fault. The result? We don’t really learn much from experience.
