In my previous post I suggested three resources to increase resilience. I am adding a fourth resource following numerous conversations about how bouncing back has different qualities to it, that is, it is not just about whether we bounce back from setbacks life throws at us or not, but also about how we do it and feeling we are left with. The ‘how’ is important because it offers a learning for the future. We can feel as if we have just about made it through or that we are accompanied and not alone, regardless of the difficulty. And if the learning is successful, not only is there a sense of accomplishment, but also new tools for the future.
To me, the quality of any activity is in sharing it and allowing others to accompany us in tough times. Many people find it quite challenging to ask for help, cultural reasons abound, yet, most people also recognise the sense of isolation and depletion that is part of dealing with difficult situation on their own.
While for many people it is important not to lose a sense of responsibility in dealing with problems, it is also important to remain aware of and use our resources. Often, responsibility and reaching out go hand in hand, and this is my fourth resource.
Here I am adding a fourth resource, environment and structure.
For example, in working with anxiety I often hear the understandable wish to make anxiety go away. As an experience, not only is anxiety a frightening one, it is also a very lonely one and for many people a shaming one as well – after all, we are supposed to be strong and anxious is the opposite of it. In reality, most people feel anxious about something in their life, at least some of the time. I suspect that there are few anxiety-free people in the world.
Staying with the example of anxiety, how can the fourth resource help in dealing with it?
First, we can consider the environment in which anxiety arises. Focusing on our concerns in isolation is not conducive to sustained change. Also, seeing anxiety as a discrete entity – you either have it or you do not – only adds to the emotional strain. A person can feel anxious about some things, some of the time, which means that anxiety is context dependent. Rather than anxious being a description of the kind of person you are, you start thinking about the activities you are engaged in.
Second, we can build a structure that supports awareness and responsible behaviour. What I mean by responsible behaviour is accepting that some activities will induce anxiety; if we choose to, we can enter these situations differently by having the support around us. There is no one type of support, we all have a different sense of what support means for us, that is part of responsible behaviour, to seek it. Knowing we are supported, whatever the difficulty, is what makes us resilient and makes anxiety quantitative, situational and flexible rather than a rigid part of one’s make up.
